he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
