Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
