Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Ladies don't puke and tell
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
