I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize