i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
