Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
