Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
