If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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