Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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