You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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