Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
