I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize