My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
