sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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