the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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