I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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