nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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