The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
