I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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