My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
