I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
