I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
