i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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