My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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