Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
