Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize