Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
