I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
