I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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