Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
