i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
