worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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