there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
