It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
