my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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