I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
