She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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