If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
