In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize