No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
