I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
