The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
