Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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