there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize