his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
