I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
