Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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