Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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