You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
What drink are we having for lunch?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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