I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
