Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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