when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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