If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
pray to the hookup gods
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
