Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize