why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
