We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
