I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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