I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
