I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
