ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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