Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
im six kinds of drunk right now
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
